I had no idea that someone had made a gif of me yesterday!
Finals will do that to you.. It feels like college life is gravy: progress is being made.. There’s always something going on, yet everything has a way of working out in the end.. somehow…
Then BAM out of nowhere pressure just builds up. So much is going on (including the home front) it’s no longer chaotically working itself out.. How the hell is this ALL going to get done in the short amount of time that feels my life?!
No idea! And with no dojo time in sight I have no ability to get out this pentupness of craziness (which is probably adding to the situation…) Plan B has seriously involved me just going into purple minion mode.. shaking and screaming… total grown woman tantrums..
Mostly it’s been when I’m by myself (like when I’m self contained in the car ) Yesterday though there was a few public outburts…
Hence the Advisory in Effect…
Last year when I was in First Year Experience ( a course designed to make sure I was successful in my college journey), we had to write about our support network. It was impressed upon us that it is crucial to have a solid support network developed in order to make sure we can be the best students we can be… Humans have moments of weakness and having a good support network to make sure you keep your eye on the prize can be a make or break deal for some people.
The paper I wrote was complete bullshit (but so were most of my essays in that class).
I don’t have a support network..
I have a dependancy network. Everyone in this household relies on me in one way shape or form. And so long as I maintain my responsibilities than I am free to pursue what I “want” thereafter. School has been nothing but an inconvenience.. something that is taking up too much of my time. Now my family has learned to not complain so much about the house being a mess, or me not being able to do certain things…….
But when I say “this is my last semester… I’m going to be dropping out so I can find a job” and I don’t even get ONE “are you sure that is neccessary?” … I get shown the real feelings my family has had in regards to this entire year and a half. Here I was trying to bust my ass so I could get a decent career and help all these fools live a better life, and they don’t really care if I get the same. I am literally nothing more than what can I do for them..
Perhaps that is a bit dramatic, but you all know my flair for writing things dramatically.. The end result is the same. No one in my family has voiced any support in me continuing on and even though I probably would still have to drop out it would feel really supportive to be told they wish I could continue on..That I deserve to continue on..
This is gut wrenching for me. I feel like the entire year and a half was a waste. Nothing more than a tease of what I could have been…. The second I learned about support networks I should have seen this whole thing going to ruin.. …
In a slight change of topic.. blogging about all this has truly helped. It’s helped me be able to talk about it to those around me.Everything had been bottling up and I kept pushing it down.. As such it’s allowed me to slowly talk those around me who aren’t family. On Monday I plan on telling my close friend at the college that I will be leaving… that is going to be hard..
She has been my true support network. One single person keeping me focused especially in all this. (even though I haven’t talked to her about any of it.. which just shows the power of a supportive person.. they don’t need to know the situation to know you need them) Every day I swear she tells me she wouldn’t know what she would do without me.. and since I’ve made the decision to drop out I feel like I’m letting her down. She’s a strong and resourceful lady, and she’ll make it happen, but still..