Girl.. You’ve lost your flame.

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That day started out as a really good day. I was graduating! I scrimped and saved and then splurged on getting my hair done the day before.  My hair was riddled with gray hairs on the warpath of dominating my mousy brown roots. I felt every bit the frumpy wife that I looked.

This was my graduation gift to myself…

This new hair.. It matched with who I was. I was a force to be reckoned with. I was a student leader who got shit done. I was graduating Cuma Sum Laude, Vice President of Student Government, and had helped to promote so many good things for the campus..

This hair made me stand out for the awesome student that I was…

My friend who was our college’s resident photographer got some great shots of me and my friend before we all lined up to get our degrees..

I met students I have never met before in our little graduate groups. We bonded over our excitement and immediate proximity to each other. We shared our journeys and our future plans (to which I had none.. ) like we were new to be besties…

The President of the College whispered how proud she was of me and honored I had chosen to wear the necklace she had given me as a graduation gift. My mentor of three years, the professor who has pushed me to flourish and gave me my chance in the tutoring center, looked like she was in tears as she saw me pass..

It was so exciting….until it wasn’t..

After I received my degree I rushed to find my family.. My mom had forced my husband to stop by a grocery store and get a balloon and a bouquet of flowers which the kids were anxious to give me. My husband, who was the one to get my flaming graduate photo, was pacing with agitation. He was miserable with the whole affair and couldn’t be bothered to wait for any family photos or come with me to congratulate my fellow graduates. As far as I know, other than this photo there are no photos to put on the walls of me smiling with my diploma that weren’t taken for a profit by the college. Even then, there are no pictures of me with my children while I’m in my graduation gown like I had spent three years dreaming. None of me and my mentor….

As my husband rushed to bring my family home (except for my son who agreed to stay behind with me) the fire within me fizzled. I avoided everyone that I could as I grabbed my things from where they were stored. I hid my tears from my son as we drove home…..  

I lost the people that really encouraged me to be something..who saw me as this whirlwind of a person that apparently still gets talked about as if I were a real life heroine.. Now.. now I’m a mousy hermit who has forgotten who I used to be…who I wanted to be…

As the months go on my hair has continued to lose it’s fire, which now matches how I feel inside pretty much every day.

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One thought on “Girl.. You’ve lost your flame.

  1. *hugs* Last year and into the start of this one, my hair was long. The baby kept pulling at it. When I would tell her no and remove it from her hands, Hubby’d get pissed. If I just let her do it so that he wouldn’t heave a sigh and pick her up/take her away from me as though I’d just snarled at him to do so (never happened), he’d eventually see it and get even MORE pissy about it. I cut a great deal of it off this spring, but it was still happening. I couldn’t take it anymore and got a pixie cut this summer. I hate it. And it didn’t fix the problem; now the baby just climbs all over me and tramples my insides, be getting the same results. Only now Hubby’s pissed and stressed out that I won’t “just move” (the only place I’d be safe from her is literally sitting on the kitchen counter or hidden down in the depths of our bath tub.) and when he has to watch her, he lays on the floor and LETS her use him as a human bounce house because, you know, that’s not encouraging her to climb on people or anything… >.<

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