I have been a college graduate for over a month now…
I was told the entire semester before I graduated that I had the potential to be anything I wanted.
But that was complete and utter bullshit.
The people telling me that…..I don’t doubt that they felt it was true. I was supposedly a whiz in math, breezing through problems that left my class mates puzzled. My mind was a sponge for terms and applications. I was a gifted writer and confident debater. One of my advisors said that the reason I was so good at virtually everything was because I get so doggedly passionate about EVERYTHING set before me. That passion could set me in place to do whatever I wanted. It helped me rise in student ranks and become Vice President of Student Government. I felt like I was making changes, becoming this amazing person that could make my husband and children proud. I wasn’t sure where I was going, but I WAS going somewhere…
I have nowhere to go.. Beyond Cuma Sum Laude was a graduate with no clear direction because I had to hold my breath for the Navy to tell us where we were going in a couple of months. While everyone around me was finding paths to fulfillment, I was cracking jokes about becoming a stay at home mom again. I spent an obsessive amount of time speaking about my homemaker desires in an attempt to persuade myself that I should be happy with that lot…because in the end.. Where was there for me to go? I couldn’t exactly find a job or a new school to further my degree. I didn’t know what state or country I’d be laying my head in…………..
As deadlines for further decisions met, I watched things I really wanted slip away: positions at the college, college degree programs…. I was too proud to admit it how much that hurt. I smiled when people talked about their futures. Yay them.. Honestly, I am happy that those around me are flourishing.. They deserve to have the best of opportunities and I hope they go off and do great things.
But why don’t I get to flourish as well? Why do I have to be the benevolent benefactor (I literally got a plaque stating how I go above and beyond behind the scenes to make sure things happen, largely to the benefit of others getting the recognition instead of me…)
Upon my graduation day I joked that I was going to get a bachelors in surfing, because in my mind, if I couldn’t have what I wanted here, perhaps the Navy would bless me with an adventure instead of a clear career path. If we moved somewhere far away, then what I feel I sacrifice would have noble.
That didn’t happen, mostly because hubby would rather chew off a limb than go anywhere other than be where we live now. Like almost everything, he got his way. Not just him but my “support network”. My friends, my mom, everyone but the kids were deadset on keeping us here. As a result, instead of a bachelors in surfing, I’m now facing a graduate program in feeling like my wants and needs are invaluable to those around me.
This post is really a bummer… Hopefully I’ll be in a better place the next time I blog 😉