The Lasy Year and a Half = a waste….

Last year when I was in First Year Experience ( a course designed to make sure I was successful in my college journey), we had to write about our support network. It was impressed upon us that  it is crucial to have a solid support network developed in order to make sure we can be the best students we can be… Humans have moments of weakness and having a good support network to make sure you keep your eye on the prize can be a make or break deal for some people.

The paper I wrote was complete bullshit (but so were most of my essays in that class).

I don’t have a support network..

I have a dependancy network. Everyone in this household relies on me in one way shape or form. And so long as I maintain my responsibilities than I am free to pursue what I “want” thereafter. School has been nothing but an inconvenience.. something that is taking up too much of my time. Now my family has learned to not complain so much about the house being a mess, or me not being able to do certain things…….

But when I say “this is my last semester… I’m going to be dropping out so I can find a job” and I don’t even get ONE “are you sure that is neccessary?” … I get shown the real feelings my family has had in regards to this entire year and a half. Here I was trying to bust my ass so I could get a decent career and help all these fools live a better life, and they don’t really care if I get the same. I am literally nothing more than what can I do for them..

Perhaps that is a bit dramatic, but you all know my flair for writing things dramatically.. The end result is the same. No one in my family  has voiced any support in me continuing on and even though I probably would still have to drop out it would feel really supportive to be told they wish I could continue on..That I deserve to continue on..

This is gut wrenching for me. I feel like the entire year and a half was a waste. Nothing more than a tease of what I could have been….  The second I learned about support networks I should have seen this whole thing going to ruin.. …

~

In a slight change of topic.. blogging about all this has truly helped. It’s helped me be able to talk about it to those around me.Everything had been bottling up and I kept pushing it down.. As such it’s allowed me to slowly talk those around me who aren’t family. On Monday I plan on telling my close friend at the college that I will be leaving… that is going to be hard..

She has been my true support network. One single person keeping me focused especially in all this. (even though I haven’t talked to her about any of it.. which just shows the power of a supportive person.. they don’t need to know the situation to know you need them) Every day I swear she tells me she wouldn’t know what she would do without me.. and since I’ve made the decision to drop out I feel like I’m letting her down. She’s a strong and resourceful lady, and she’ll make it happen, but still..

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6 thoughts on “The Lasy Year and a Half = a waste….

  1. “I don’t have a support network..

    I have a dependancy network.”

    I started to tear up when I read that; you’ve spoken to my soul. That’s EXACTLY how I feel. Sean’s standby phrase is, “If that’s what you want to do…” and, sometimes, that makes me want to throw things. No. It isn’t “what I want to do,” but I don’t see a way to make it through this degree program let alone the two subsequent ones that I would need to work in the field that I WANT to.

    My daughter is known as “Princess” for a reason and I know that it’s all because of her age, but holy f$%# s&^%, Batman! I set up her with movies, games, crayons, etc. and ask for one thing in return – peace & quiet so that I can do my school work. I have a C Biology because spelling counts and, well, trying spelling words that are akin to a foreign language while someone stands next to you and yammers on about how she wants this and that toy for her birthday (2+ months from then) and how her friend, Matthew, has a jacket with a zipper and a hood and a turtle on it and it’s blue and…I can literally FEEL my brain turning to mush. Meanwhile, Sean is sound asleep or parked in front of a video game trying to “unwind.” >.<

    It adds insult to injury in my case because, while I wanted to leave Florida, I did move 1,200 miles away from anyone that would take Princess for an afternoon to allow me to either get schoolwork done or just take a damned bubble bath without someone knocking on the door to tattletale on the cats so that he could take a job…a job that he now bitches about nearly non-stop. His only concern about my college career (said some-what tongue-in-cheek) is, "So when you graduate, you'll be my sugar momma so that I can finish my degree?" You know…the degree that he was supposed to be working on last year, but instead found excuse after excuse to drop out of his classes for three consecutive semesters before finally getting serious about putting it on hold and finding a decent paying job and saying he was going to start going to school part-time while working only to play video games in his free time since…

    I swear I'm not really as pissy about it as I'm sure this makes me sound. LOL It all just started pouring out with that one little trigger; I don't have a support network or even a person, really. (My sister tries, she really does. But she's still a little bitter that she was pushed to go to college and it wasn't for her…or, in regards to other areas like my desire to lose weight, which are also impacted severely by not having a support system, I feel like…things that she can't do herself are a half-hearted support. Like, "Yay…look at you run! Lucky that you can!" sort of thing.

    Digression aside, for whatever it's worth, I'm sorry that you're having to drop out. You DO deserve to be able to pursue your dreams. I sincerely hope that you'll find a way to make it back eventually! *hugs*

    1. Thanks 🙂 I hope one day I will be able to as well.. I have this gut feeling I won’t.. but that might just be me being dramatic again. And yes..I know all too well trying to studying with little kids.. My son was reading my Calvin and Hobbes books word for word while I was trying to study last night… I don’t think I retained ANYTHING :/

      1. Yeah…I have this hang up in my head sometimes when I can’t “picture” something in my mind, then I don’t think it will happen. Ironically, when I CAN imagine something happening, it seems to rarely workout that way! Urgh…

        It’s 11pm here and I’m going to do my business midterm shortly because it’s the only quiet time I get!

  2. Don’t give up, if you do they will always say ‘why did you give up’ and you’ll end up resenting them more. We can be you’re support network: yes, it helps to have family and friends as support but in a lot of cases people don’t have that.
    I hope you can work things out, but If you do have to give up, you can always go back to it at a later date.

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