The Big News Is Out

I posted it in an earlier comment on my last thread.. the big dark shadow that has been hanging over me…

My husband, after 13 years of service in the Navy is getting out…

Now this wouldn’t be such an emotional rollercoaster or stressfull situation if he were getting out by choice…

My husband has not had a stellar record within the navy. He has been downgraded in rank, continually dink, and never on the commands good side. Him and Navy life have never really co-existed in harmony. This really isn’t a suprise that one day we would find ourselves in this position.

So if it isnt’ a suprise… why am I so angry?… Disapointed might be a better word?

Well maybe both..

I am angry because when we had our second child he promised that he would turn his Navy Career around. At that point he was just getting off his first sea tour and had the opportunity to get out. He had just been put back a pay grade but in his contract he would advance by a certain date of a few months so it didn’t hurt that much.. (pay wise.. career wise he was tanked) he didn’t get certain qualifications he needed in that time frame as such and was already a sailor sinking because of it by the time he joined his next sea command a few years later.

When he made that promise he said he wanted to become a lifer (one that stays in until retirement). Under the assumption we would have the comfort of the Navy pay (even I have my stupid moments that make just as equally guilty in this whole situation) we bought a house in which the mortgage is WAY more than the BAH given for housing allotments.. So I could stay home with the kids we skimmed by with barely any money and you know how it goes.. just when you get money it goes even faster than it came…

I had hope because he had 3 years to advance and make first class. If he made first class he would be a lifer.. I wasn’t expecting him to be a chief.. but first class… they get to retire damnit. In that time frame he finally got qualified for what he needed to… But still.. those first class exams came and went and he wasn’t advancing.. I had hope.. I remember nearly crying to our friend who has known my husband since their first days as submariners on how I was afraid it wouldn’t happen..He assured me it would.. and he helped my husband study for his last first class exam back in March.

Well hubby didn’t make it… the last of them and not only that but he lost the important qualifications that once made him vital to the boat. He’s done…..We thought maybe he could make one more deployment but without those quals they don’t need him.

He was away when I got the news… (when I did I kind of stop posting?.. that would be around then).. I have shut down… Working like a slave with no money to show it for it because the extra money has been eaten up… So we’re even more broke than we were before.. (how the hell does that happen?!) I have begun to shun anyone and everyone Navy related, especially those on his current command. I feel so ashamed by the events that I can’t even look any of them in the eye…. Our good friend just made chief and I’d be lying that everytime I think about that I cry… How all of our close friends in the navy.. are all chiefs now when they all started at the same time….

I keep thinking.. if our friend could make chief.. why the hell couldn’t he make first class?! All these people advancing around him.. and he couldn’t just keep his nose out of trouble.. He PROMISED me that he would do better in his career and yet all I hear are excuses on how it’s everyone’s fault but his… Which.. I don’t even care whose fault is whose.. the damage is done…

I keep thinking of Albert Einstein’s

My husband is a fish trying to climb a tree he’s not suited to.. I see it..he sees it.. his command sees it.. So why would I be selfish enough to be so angry and disapointed that the time has come for everyone acknowledge it?

We can’t survive without his pay. We couldn’t survive two weeks without that paycheck AND keep our house. I told him (and told myself a long time ago). So where are we going to live? Will we ever be able to even THINK about getting our own home again? And he still daily lists this and that he wants or needs and I just stare off into space thinking about how different our worries are. He wants a new motorcycle and I’m concerned about how we’re going to pay for food in the next few months. Or how I’m going to get the medication I need to stay alive without any health insurance.

You’ll have to forgive me if my faith in him being able to get a job that sustains our family is completely shattered.. And is that even fair? But it’s the honest truth. Every day he has a different plan on what he’s going to do, yet there’s no way to really follow through with any of it.

I told him last week, but I don’t even think he was truly listening when I said that this was most likely my last semester in college… because I will have to find a way of bringing in more of an income. He nodded and said ok.. but I just dont’ think he understands how much that HURTS.. I feel like for the second time my college education is being ripped away from me (my dad, a gambler ended up putting my mom in thousands of dollars in debt to our landlord.. I had spent 2 years saving up money to pay for my first year of college and ended up having to use it to pay the landlord so we wouldn’t get kicked out when I was 18).. And I was doing GOOD at it.. All A’s… asked to be a tutor in the writing center (I know.. shocker after how crappy I write here)… Now I’m going to have to go back to a minium wage job doing god knows what.. This is selfish to say, but why am I being punished?! I was a model wife and student…. How is this my fault and I’m the only willing to sacrifice to at least delay the inevitable?!

I won’t be able to stay at the hotel much longer as they’ve decided to sell it.. Which means that not only myself but my mom will be out of a job. No one but me laughs when I say that I find it funny that by February we’ll all be out of a job… And then I don’t laugh because it’s funny but because it just makes sense to have icing on the cake…

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4 thoughts on “The Big News Is Out

  1. *hugs* The former military head-hunters (Bradley Morris and Orion International are the two that Sean went through; he finally found this job with Orion, but that very well could have just been because his BM contact sucked.) help a lot with getting a decent pay rate, at least in comparison to what Sean was making as a…fire control man…E-5…? (Can you tell I have no idea WTF I’m talking about? LOL $20-$22 an hour; that’s the median for BM/Orion jobs. :-P) The biggest thing with those companies is relocation; if there’s nothing by you (there was very little in Florida; Illinois, Oklahoma, Missouri, Massachusetts, California were the common locations from what I remember), you usually HAVE to relocate or, at the very least, be near an airport and traveling 90% of the time. Sean saw a nice relocation bonus, but I don’t know if that would have done anything if we would have had to off load a house, too, you know? (It got us up here, set up, and a few splurges for our first place that was really “ours.”) Sean’s company is still looking for people, so on the off chance you guys want to chuck it all and come out to the IL cornfields, inbox me and I’ll get you an email address!

    I remember laughing just to keep from jumping off the proverbial bridge. My email address changed in July ( MrsAprilHeise@gmail.com ), but if you ever need or want it…well, there it is! I think one of my future tattoos will be, “This too shall pass.” because…it does. I promise it does.

  2. I’m so sorry to hear that. I would be fuming if my partner ballsed up like that and wasn’t in full-on grovel mode. I really hope you get through this intact and if nothing else hardship shows us who our true friends are x

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