Sometimes I wonder if my Kyoshi is going senile.. He’s not an old man, by any means… but sometimes he says things that make me wonder if his brain is still functioning at full capactiy…..
This weekend is our “Power Weekend” Or the weekend you are tested on all the curriculum/physcial assessment and 99% ability to endure the craziness that pops out of our Shihan’s head… It’s a great weekend as an underbelt to watch the future black belts in our community give their all.
I brought my kids to the dojo for their classes yesterday afternoon, after kind of ditching my morning thai session. School has been crazy, this weekend will be even crazier and I just needed the morning and day to get myself ready for all that is upcoming on my plate. So I was feeling a little guilty and ready for the “So, Faith! Where you?!” interrogation I get when I miss my classes. <~ And honestly.. They’ve been really great about school and my son’s football session. I’m making it there like once a week… I’m supposed to be going at LEAST 3…
I’m usually one of the first parents there, which makes for some great Kyoshi bonding time. He loves to talk, and I love to listen so we make a great pair! I asked him how the black belt candidates were fairning and if they were ready for power weekend… He told me he had sat down that morning and was figuring out who would be in the next cycle of students that would start their candidate training in December. I knew my friend J would be on the list and I wanted to hear him say it.. so I asked who was on the list…
And he smiled and was like “Oh, like you don’t know.”
I winked and answered, “Oh I know Kyoshi! I just want to know who ELSE is on the list.”
“Well other than yourself, J and <insert some of the kids….>”
“Wait what?!” I seriously looked down at my waist as if I could SEE my green/brown belt around it. “I’m not even a brown belt!”
He rolled his eyes, because obviously it was ME he thought I was wanting him to mention on the list and not J. Or he was rolling his eyes because, “You’re getting you’re brown belt at the end of this month.”
Wait?! WHAT?! How does time fly like that! I swear I had JUST got this new belt…. It wasn’t computing in my head that I am THAT close to getting my black belt… no no…..NO
By then, other parents had come in, breaking up my special Faithie/Kyoshi time.. Which is a shame because I was internally (and even mildly so right now) FREAKING OUT!
Being a black belt candidate is a huge responsibility that I’m not even sure I’m ready for.. It’s weekly 7:30 am Saturday sessions that not even my Sensei ever gets up for. It’s taking on a more leadership position in the dojo and helping out with the younger students… Being spotlighted for every little demonstration… being WATCHED by like everyone… I don’t think I could “scam” out of any classes due to other obligations….
As my son’s class was going on I spoke with my Sensei. I love her, but we haven’t really bonded.. She is a great instructor, and a wonderful and amazing strong feminine role model for my daughter, but her heart is at another dojo. (My original Sensei left to open up his own place, and she was taken from another dojo to take his place) I went to her to help calm me down.. I asked her if Kyoshi was serious… She shrugged, said the math was correct and that I didn’t have to be a candidate if I didn’t want to…
I think now to my original Sensei… If I had gone to him in.. in five minutes he would have not only sold me on my worth as a black belt candidate, he would have inspired me to be the best black belt candidate..
I didn’t mean for this to reflect my inner dojo conflict, but it kind of found its way out now….
I have been struggling since I started school with this…
See it’s that original Sensei who inspired me to go back to school. To challenge myself both off and on the mats. And now that’s he is gone…my dojo doesn’t have that SPARK that ignites everything around my life a wildfire.
And I wonder if I over scheduled myself, and let things over lap my martial arts schedule because I don’t want to actually BE on those mats anymore…. It’s easier to just ignore and scam my obligation to my dojo than it is to break Kyoshi’s heart and leave like my original Sensei did.. because I can see how much it did when a handful of students did leave….
I’m so damned conflicted! I want my children to have that passion and spark again… to be under my original Sensei who taught more than just the martial arts… but he up and left when my husband was deployed and he promised to be my rock if I needed him.. and it turns out that it was a great lesson because I learned to rely on myself and see that I have that value and worth…. Yet I am still SO ANGRY and I’ve never shared that with him….I am such a proud person.. I could never let him know how much he hurt me as a student…. How could I train under someone who just abandoned his students like that?
And I would never be a black belt under his school…. Their muay thai program doesn’t do the belt system.. Which honestly, I prefer as it’s more in theme with tradtional muay thai. But I want to declare to the world I’m a freaking black belt lol.. And they don’t have Krav Maga and that’s my current passion.. even my husband does it on occasion… My son loves his current dojo…. he will be getting his blue belt when I recieve my brown… He’s not willing to lose that rank to join the original Senseis. My daughter doesn’t really care…
I dunno… This was a lot more than I was expecting to get out about the whole post….