Five Minute Friday: Dreams

When my husband is away, I have these insanely vivid dreams. I actually remember the first one. I was in a bed with a long haired hippie man. I can’t remember his name but he was the love of my life. And he was leaving for war. He never came back. The loss of him was so devastating, I felt it all throughout the day. I literally mourned for a fake love that had died.

Each time he leaves, I dream fall in love with someone and for one reason or another my love gets ripped away from me and I am left with a gut wrenching loss.

There’s another set of dreams that include my husband. In them he’s always cheating on me and I end the entire marriage. The result is another set of heartache that again lasts all freaking day.

This deployment is different. I haven’t had any of these dreams. I can’t really tell if that’s a good thing or not…….

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Halo Soldier’s Road Trip

Recently I had the opportunity to take an amazing trip to Washington D.C for a conference…

I’m going to let you all in on a secret…

I have been able to fool a great deal of those at my college in assuming I am a college woman leader…

My son, however, has to live with me on a daily basis and knows better. As such, I was required to bring along supervision…

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Meet Yellow Halo soldier. Trained in espionage and infiltration, and apparently babysitting. He was to keep me out of trouble while I was kidless..

But who was supervising who?!

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Do you see this? I turned around for one second and Halo Soldier was attempting to break into one of the most important establishments……….

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That’s right..He tried to break into the white house.

Halo Soldier really wanted to meet Michelle Obama

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What on earth is this?!!!! I found him playing with it and talking to himself like a madman.. He insisted it was a telephone… I have my doubts…..

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He ate an insane amount of food (and cofee… yeesh!)  And expected me to foot the bill:

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He also had a huge gambling habit that I was unaware of…

It was  a pain trying to get him up each morning:

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There were a few moments where he did come in handy:

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His navigation skills were on point…

As well as his mastery of the Metro system

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He was offered a job at Metro, but declined.

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He was also very conscienscious when it came to the environment.

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He made me some coffee from time to time..

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I suppose it wasn’t so bad to have the little guy around.

If My Life Was a Reality Series

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I feel as if camera men have been secretly watching my every move, because there is no way in hell that all the crap I’ve had to endure this past month is a natural state of events. Seriously, all the drama, action, and comedy that has been my life is made for TV. Here  is what the episode lineup would have looked like had it been aired. (Sadly, it was cancelled due to lack of interest)

Episode One: Pilot Episide

Faithie (played by self) must endure her last and final deployment as a navy wife. Can she survive as homeowner, college student, and mother to two crazy kids for who knows how long?

Episode Two: Birthday Seizures

Z is 10 and newly made made man of the house while his father is away. Can Faith make a fantastic celebration without the help of hubby, or will the party be spoiled by a trip to the ER? (Spoiler Alert… Z-man has a seizure that leaves us in the ER for hours the day after his birthday. plenty of follow up doctor visits to occur in other episodes..)

Episode 3: Strokes for the No Longer Broke

In this episode, Faith gets startling news about her estranged Father. Will she be able to handle this news and his his ailing health? (Spoiler)

Episode 4: The Support Network

Faithie attempts to unite with the woman whose husbands are also away. Does she find a bestie, or end up finding a nemesis? (spoiler: neither)

Episode 5: Faithie the Governess

Faithie is barely getting by with her strenous coursework and role as tutor, but the student government doesn’t see it.  Will Faith make a play for a student government position? (Spoilers.. I did)

Episode 6: The Curse of the Sea Captain

What is going on with all the appliances in the A family household?! The sink, dishwasher, two lawnmowers, and water filters all seem to be against Faithie. Is she really that incapable of taking care of her home without her husband, or is the sea captain buried in her back yard out to punish her? (spoilers: I just really am incapable lol)

Episode 7: Miscommunication

Mr. A  reaches a port. Amid drastic time changes and shakey internet connections, Faithie tries to spend at least 10 minutes talking to her deployed sailor.  While Mr. A is concerned about showing off his epic stache, Fathie has other concerns to discuss. (spoiler: his biological mom ended up nearly dying and requiring lots of surgery)

Episide 8:

Finals! The spring season is wrapping up and that means chaos for Faithie and the kids she tutors. And once the chaos dies down, does Faith get the break she’s been dreaming of? (the answer is nope)..

Episode 9: This is the End

The advancement list comes out, and it is the final chance for Mr. A to stay in the Navy. Watch Faithie have to celebrate the advancement of other sailors, all while mourning the fact that hers didn’t make it.

Every morning the past few days I wake up like every other day..

Then I remember a new detail about myself… And the every otherness of the day feels like a facade.

Somewhere, many states away, I have a little brother.

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Now this brother isn’t so little. He’s 19 and already off living the college life.

I can’t help but feel a little let down in life. And not even by my father. But my mother, which seems a little unfair to put the negativity her way.

See this little brother has been financially supported by my father because his mother took my father to court to seek child support. So for 18+ years they have been receiving financial aid from my father and will continue to get that until little bro is out of college. My mother on the other hand, preferred to just cut her losses and we’ve strugged ever since. Rather than help pay for my own college, my father’s gambling caused us to nearly be evicted when I graduated high school. So working my butt off trying to pay for community college at the time, I gave my saviings up to keep a roof over our head. My summer after graduating college consisted of working 7 days/nights a week to hopefully regain that money but it never happened….

So now, years later I am doing really well in Community College and had once used my story to help others find the courage to go back to school. If I could lose my opporunity and regain it, even if a decade later, so can anyone else.

But now I see this brand new little brother off at a well known state university, with assisted pay from the sperm donor we share, and I feel pretty jaded. I’m at a rinky dink community college, and this very well may be as far as I go. And how far is an associates really going to take me?

Ever since that fateful day of him leaving us in debt, I have been in control of my parental relationship with my mother. It was me at 18 that made sure her bills were paid on time. It was me going grocery shopping and finally having real food in the house that didn’t come from some latenight convenience store jaunt. It was me going to the laundromat with a friend having clean clothes to wear the next day. It was me walking to work to save money for bills. I had finally gained the ability to see that I didn’t need to wait for a parent anymore to have what normal children should have. <~ My independance was truly born.

Flash forward to 13 years later and my husband and I pay 75% of my mother’s bills. She gives us a little money each week but it doesn’t cover any of the expenses we pay out. My husband doesn’t mind, but it may be because he is as equally oblivious to our financial structure as she is. My mom deserves half of my father’s retirement pay but she would rather he continue to gamble and drink away the money she could be getting than have to take anything from him ever again. She wants nothing to do with him so as usual the burden falls on my shoulders.

I’ve always had to struggle to be the grown up even as a child (well before the whole debt thing) and I have always been firm in my belief that this struggle made me a strong and capable person. I did not have an idyllic childhood and I have mentioned before I don’t dwell on it too much because I feel like my childhood is an abyss that can easily take away the power I have developed if I spend too much time allowing the memories to catch up.

I realized yesterday that this may very well explain why I constantly have to be doing something.. Why I overbook myself to the max whenever possible..So my negative thoughts can’t find me….

But this little bro..the surprise has forced me to slow my pace a bit, and childhood memories have resurfaced and I am angry at the past.. disapointed in the present, and then guilty for not having the faith to feel like everything will be ok. None of that has to do with the little brother, and I don’t even want to contact or know who he is until I can get my own crap together.

Weekly Photo Challenge ~ Afloat

The Trumpet of the Swan was one of my favorite books as a child. I was big into conecting with animals way better than I could other people. The book made me love swans.

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Then I learned swans are considered an invasive species to my area.They originate from Asia and some parts of Europe. These birds were brought here because some rich dude who traveled abroad thought they would make a great addition to his personal pond. They then became a novelty for those who had their own ponds. (which really, how many could that be?). It didn’t take long for these birds to acclimate and then spread…all over….thanks rich dude

When they eat, they rip out the food source making it inedible to other natural water birds like mallards. Think of a guy ahead in a lunch line that with one move flips the entire table of food onto the ground. Then stares at you and tells you to eat off the floor…..

They are also extremely agressive and prevent other birds from nesting <~ further reducing those populations… because starvation wasn’t enough.

Suffice to say… Swans are real A-holes.

Weekly Photo Challenge ~ Afloat

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I think this is the photo that truly cemented my identity as a digital photographer.

I dreamed of taking this photo for weeks before my husband deployed. I wanted to take a pick of the submarine, put itnt in black and white and then have it custom printed to go in a very specific part of our living room…. I feel like I made my dream come true to a degree..until I found out the custom print would be near $300 O.O.Reality is going to have to pay for that so it may take awhile before I can make it happen :/

Wedding of Horrors

This weekend my husband’s cousin got married. She made the most beautiful bride.

During the ceremony, I couldn’t help staring at her tattoo sleeve…

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Here she is, this seemingly awesome and sweet woman….with a bunch of serial killers on her arm lol.

They got married at a local state castle. I have lived here practically all my life and have never been. I always thought with its name it would be like 

I used to love this show as a kid. And I always wanted to go when I was little to see if it had any dragons..

This is the castle where the wedding took place. I looked around for a bit while people were still setting up.

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Now I can’t say for sure, but I don’t think any dragons are at this castle I visited.

So adulthood crushes another childhood dream of mine :(

There were, however, an abundance of cat statues:

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