Faithie the Photographer

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This picture was taken of me during last week’s power weekend. That’s right! There’s a new select few of awesome peeps joining our dojo’s black belt family!!!! And even more advancing to further degrees.

I am currently taking a course in digital photography. I dropped General Psychology and took it on thinking that I deserved an easier course load this semester…

Holy smokes was I wrong. This is a very time consuming course and its the one that has stressed me out the most. This isn’t just remembering some stuff and or writing papers. This is every new week you have a specific purpose to acheive. I average 12+ hours a week working on my projects and am just barely getting by with a 90… That is just insanity, as I do have other courses to worry about AND two jobs AND a family to deal with..

As frustrated and stressed as this makes me feel, I do enjoy digital photography. It has allowed me to see things from a different point of view. I never really looked at the sky before. I mean REALLY REALLY looked at the formation of clouds. Or how they move and interact with the scenery they cover. I haven’t really thought to since I was  my daughter’s age. I’ve found mushrooms living in trees, termite infested trees still standing though their innards have been completely eaten away, and captured some really awesome moments of my kids.

But back to Power Weekend! It just so happened to coincide with action week at the dojo.. I couldn’t use the majority of these photos because they are too grainy… but I’m an amateur with amateur eqiupment.. now if I could only afford the $1500 lens I want… well maybe then I could produce some awesome pics…. (hint hint)

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I have like 300 more photos of the event but I’ll just leave it at this. I really liked making the weapons blur instead of just freezing the action…See I can be artistic when I want to be!  I also got really good feedback from the dojo saying they were some of the best of power weekend.. so that did boost my photography ego a bit… at least temporarily.. Mr. Professor the Perfectionist will squash it down again come Tuesday lol.

I am so proud of my fellow teammates doing such an awesome job during power weekend! My main partner, who I have dubbed Snugglebear went up for his blackbelt.

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I had made a sign (didn’t even take a photo what the crap) where I glued a bear on it and wrote Team SnuggleBear.Then had as many Team G (our location) peeps sign it.. Team G people kept commenting to me that no one from the other two dojos knew what Team SnuggleBear meant! haha.. Snuggle Bear became an enigma that we finally revealed when he got his advancement stripe.

Tonight are black belt speeches where each location honors the newest set of black belts. We feast, we mingle, we show our unity as we listen to each black belt elect speak of their journey. It’s a time for tissues and to inspire those who are still on their journey towards getting their black belt. I can’t say enough how much I love my dojo family and how proud I am of my team mates!

The Lasy Year and a Half = a waste….

Last year when I was in First Year Experience ( a course designed to make sure I was successful in my college journey), we had to write about our support network. It was impressed upon us that  it is crucial to have a solid support network developed in order to make sure we can be the best students we can be… Humans have moments of weakness and having a good support network to make sure you keep your eye on the prize can be a make or break deal for some people.

The paper I wrote was complete bullshit (but so were most of my essays in that class).

I don’t have a support network..

I have a dependancy network. Everyone in this household relies on me in one way shape or form. And so long as I maintain my responsibilities than I am free to pursue what I “want” thereafter. School has been nothing but an inconvenience.. something that is taking up too much of my time. Now my family has learned to not complain so much about the house being a mess, or me not being able to do certain things…….

But when I say “this is my last semester… I’m going to be dropping out so I can find a job” and I don’t even get ONE “are you sure that is neccessary?” … I get shown the real feelings my family has had in regards to this entire year and a half. Here I was trying to bust my ass so I could get a decent career and help all these fools live a better life, and they don’t really care if I get the same. I am literally nothing more than what can I do for them..

Perhaps that is a bit dramatic, but you all know my flair for writing things dramatically.. The end result is the same. No one in my family  has voiced any support in me continuing on and even though I probably would still have to drop out it would feel really supportive to be told they wish I could continue on..That I deserve to continue on..

This is gut wrenching for me. I feel like the entire year and a half was a waste. Nothing more than a tease of what I could have been….  The second I learned about support networks I should have seen this whole thing going to ruin.. …

~

In a slight change of topic.. blogging about all this has truly helped. It’s helped me be able to talk about it to those around me.Everything had been bottling up and I kept pushing it down.. As such it’s allowed me to slowly talk those around me who aren’t family. On Monday I plan on telling my close friend at the college that I will be leaving… that is going to be hard..

She has been my true support network. One single person keeping me focused especially in all this. (even though I haven’t talked to her about any of it.. which just shows the power of a supportive person.. they don’t need to know the situation to know you need them) Every day I swear she tells me she wouldn’t know what she would do without me.. and since I’ve made the decision to drop out I feel like I’m letting her down. She’s a strong and resourceful lady, and she’ll make it happen, but still..

The Big News Is Out

I posted it in an earlier comment on my last thread.. the big dark shadow that has been hanging over me…

My husband, after 13 years of service in the Navy is getting out…

Now this wouldn’t be such an emotional rollercoaster or stressfull situation if he were getting out by choice…

My husband has not had a stellar record within the navy. He has been downgraded in rank, continually dink, and never on the commands good side. Him and Navy life have never really co-existed in harmony. This really isn’t a suprise that one day we would find ourselves in this position.

So if it isnt’ a suprise… why am I so angry?… Disapointed might be a better word?

Well maybe both..

I am angry because when we had our second child he promised that he would turn his Navy Career around. At that point he was just getting off his first sea tour and had the opportunity to get out. He had just been put back a pay grade but in his contract he would advance by a certain date of a few months so it didn’t hurt that much.. (pay wise.. career wise he was tanked) he didn’t get certain qualifications he needed in that time frame as such and was already a sailor sinking because of it by the time he joined his next sea command a few years later.

When he made that promise he said he wanted to become a lifer (one that stays in until retirement). Under the assumption we would have the comfort of the Navy pay (even I have my stupid moments that make just as equally guilty in this whole situation) we bought a house in which the mortgage is WAY more than the BAH given for housing allotments.. So I could stay home with the kids we skimmed by with barely any money and you know how it goes.. just when you get money it goes even faster than it came…

I had hope because he had 3 years to advance and make first class. If he made first class he would be a lifer.. I wasn’t expecting him to be a chief.. but first class… they get to retire damnit. In that time frame he finally got qualified for what he needed to… But still.. those first class exams came and went and he wasn’t advancing.. I had hope.. I remember nearly crying to our friend who has known my husband since their first days as submariners on how I was afraid it wouldn’t happen..He assured me it would.. and he helped my husband study for his last first class exam back in March.

Well hubby didn’t make it… the last of them and not only that but he lost the important qualifications that once made him vital to the boat. He’s done…..We thought maybe he could make one more deployment but without those quals they don’t need him.

He was away when I got the news… (when I did I kind of stop posting?.. that would be around then).. I have shut down… Working like a slave with no money to show it for it because the extra money has been eaten up… So we’re even more broke than we were before.. (how the hell does that happen?!) I have begun to shun anyone and everyone Navy related, especially those on his current command. I feel so ashamed by the events that I can’t even look any of them in the eye…. Our good friend just made chief and I’d be lying that everytime I think about that I cry… How all of our close friends in the navy.. are all chiefs now when they all started at the same time….

I keep thinking.. if our friend could make chief.. why the hell couldn’t he make first class?! All these people advancing around him.. and he couldn’t just keep his nose out of trouble.. He PROMISED me that he would do better in his career and yet all I hear are excuses on how it’s everyone’s fault but his… Which.. I don’t even care whose fault is whose.. the damage is done…

I keep thinking of Albert Einstein’s

My husband is a fish trying to climb a tree he’s not suited to.. I see it..he sees it.. his command sees it.. So why would I be selfish enough to be so angry and disapointed that the time has come for everyone acknowledge it?

We can’t survive without his pay. We couldn’t survive two weeks without that paycheck AND keep our house. I told him (and told myself a long time ago). So where are we going to live? Will we ever be able to even THINK about getting our own home again? And he still daily lists this and that he wants or needs and I just stare off into space thinking about how different our worries are. He wants a new motorcycle and I’m concerned about how we’re going to pay for food in the next few months. Or how I’m going to get the medication I need to stay alive without any health insurance.

You’ll have to forgive me if my faith in him being able to get a job that sustains our family is completely shattered.. And is that even fair? But it’s the honest truth. Every day he has a different plan on what he’s going to do, yet there’s no way to really follow through with any of it.

I told him last week, but I don’t even think he was truly listening when I said that this was most likely my last semester in college… because I will have to find a way of bringing in more of an income. He nodded and said ok.. but I just dont’ think he understands how much that HURTS.. I feel like for the second time my college education is being ripped away from me (my dad, a gambler ended up putting my mom in thousands of dollars in debt to our landlord.. I had spent 2 years saving up money to pay for my first year of college and ended up having to use it to pay the landlord so we wouldn’t get kicked out when I was 18).. And I was doing GOOD at it.. All A’s… asked to be a tutor in the writing center (I know.. shocker after how crappy I write here)… Now I’m going to have to go back to a minium wage job doing god knows what.. This is selfish to say, but why am I being punished?! I was a model wife and student…. How is this my fault and I’m the only willing to sacrifice to at least delay the inevitable?!

I won’t be able to stay at the hotel much longer as they’ve decided to sell it.. Which means that not only myself but my mom will be out of a job. No one but me laughs when I say that I find it funny that by February we’ll all be out of a job… And then I don’t laugh because it’s funny but because it just makes sense to have icing on the cake…

Facebook Friends

So here’s one of the small things that are kind of bugging me big time…

I wrote a little about this situation here It helps with background information of a certain situation that I am about to give further detail on. Gist is this: I was friends on facebook with a certain individual who later bashed me on that very same media outlet for a reason that my husband caused….. Which at the time was no big deal because drama loves drama.. I’m really not into keeping drama alive so I cut my losses..

But here’s the thing:..

What exactly do you do when someone you know keeps interacting with that person… And that person (ie my husband) was the one that caused the drama in the first place?

This is an awkward situation that is impossible to really describe without giving some details…

So here’s my attempt at bullet listing the good stuff

  • Husband asks shipmate why his wife has to be so dramatic on facebook
  • wife publicly bashes me on facebook and then unfriends me
  • Life is pretty darn peaceful because I didn’t have to see or deal with her drama (sorry other support group peeps) We see each other once at a boat function and say hello… but that’s happily all we have to deal with each other.
  • Support group peeps essentially ostracize her for her drama and they want nothing to do with her.
  • Friend on the boat asks my daughter to be in their wedding… they happen to be friends with drama wife
  • Bachlorette party all support group peeps ignore drama wife. That makes me sad so I am friendly to her (turn the other cheek and all right?)
  • Drama wife tells me how she talks to my husband all the time as our husbands have duty together (wait what.. *eye twitch) Apparently he always comments on her shoes and hair… Husband upon questioning says she stops by every duty day to chill with her husband.. and him apparently since he happens to be around.
  • Wedding happens.. It was beautiful.. Apparently drama wife and I have at least developed friendly terms
  • All night long husband talks essenantly about her. How he pities her and wants to know IN DEPTH my opinion of her. That wedding had me upset for many reasons.. but this was honestly icing on the cake (another post in and of itself)
  • More drama with wife happens, but since I stay away from most peeps associated with the boat I  am blessed to stay out of it.
  • For some odd reason the married friend posted something on drama friend’s facebook, and it showed up on my feed. When I highlighted to see what mutual friends we had in common.. among them was my husband…

Now I know that this probably a petty thing to be REALLY upset about… I could look beyond the fact that he gives her comments. That’s just being polite and I am no exception of the doing the same when I was in social settings with her.. There is, however, a big difference between pleasantries.. and straight up what the fuck.. <~ for lack of a better term right now…

I could look past the public rant on facebook because I could understand that she’s just a person who immerses herself in drama.  But my own husband FRIENDING her on facebook, hanging out with her and wanting to talk about her is three shades of what the hell. I dunno if I feel violated because he didn’t stand up for me (well not stand up but at least stay away from the drama whenever possible) or violated because he wants me to like her (what I gathered from the wedding talk ALL NIGHT LONG) or what… I really don’t know why this bothers me.. but it does.. Every time she is mentioned I recoil.. If anyone was to be considered my nemesis I consider it her…which leads to me thinks that I’m really just being petty and I’m just blowing this out of proportion.. After all.. being friends on facebook means virtually nothing other than you kind of know someone.. if he was messaging her repeatedly or something.. then yeah that’s a clear violation…

I suppose I’m really angry because in my mind I feel mad that not only did he cause this issue for me to publicly bashed on facebook, but he apparently got away with it scot free (per usual but then again that’s another rant in and of itself). There was no blame to this situation ever put on his shoulders.. It was me… and why would you want to talk and “be friends” with someone who bashed the person you suppposidly love? It just really angers me that this is something has to be asked…

Raw Emotions: To Be Shared or Kept Hidden?

That’s it!!!!

I keep sittng down, starting posts (17 since my last published post… since apparently we’re counting) and then either hating the vibe of the entire entry, or just running out of time and claiming I’ll come back. Saying I’m busy sounds like an excuse I’d give when I really just don’t want to do something.. Most of my posts have been my attempt to justify to my awesome readers how busy I am. That involves long lists of things that take up my time <~ who really wants to read that?! I apparently live it and don’t really want to put it out there, so I don’t expect you all to really want to read or care about it.

I am busy, but so is like 99% of the world… Getting a thrill out of overscheduling myself isn’t exactly a unique trait within our society is it? So like the circular argument it is, I then criticize myself for making excuses to not blog.. <~ Is this not the most pointless blog post you’ve ever begun to read?!

After getting dizzy over that stupid mind game, I decided to figure out the real WHY behind why I’m not blogging. If I’m being honest with myself, I already know the answer.  I blog for many reasons, but the number one reason is because it is very theraputic. Writing has always been a way for me to understand my emotions whether they be good or bad. As I’ve become older I’ve started to be more aware about the power I give to the emotions I put forth. I decided at some point that I only really want to give power to the good emotions. Now this relates only to the emotions, or stories, that I share with the public. I understand that even the most painful of emotions have a purpose. That doesn’t mean we always have to share them with the world. In the past few years I have been praised as a leader in my small communities because I am always positive and that attracts people to you moreso than negativity. It doesn’t mean I’m ALWAYS happy, just that that I can smile through the bad days.

But lately..No.. I can’t smile during the bad days… I am tired, overscheduled, and stressed to the max.. All of which is in my best interest to share with the world, or get therapy.. Maybe both? Who knows at this point…

My biggest apologies to my fantastic readers who have stayed around while I am sinking…I will post more in the upcoming days/weeks about what’s going on… Most if it will be bitchy and ranty so if that’s not your thing I understand completely.

~Faithie

The Break Up…

Dear Summer,

You are the highlight of my life. When I think of happiness, I think of all days I got to lounge at the beach, soaking up the sun while drinking iced coffees. 

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I think of warm nights together laying in bed reading books with the hum of the fan as ambient background noise. 

You are everything I could ever want in a season. We have been through some hard times and your sunshine and warmth got me through when nothing else could. 

But I must confess that I have been unfaithful. You see, Fall has been eyeing me for some time. And you know I cannot stand Fall. It’s when leaves rain upon my property and drown the ground until it suffocates it, and in chilly weather I have to try to save the yard like some rake weilding super hero.. 

But then I got to know Fall last year. The football frenzy, the apple picking and pumpkin spices everywhere. I admit that although you have my heart, I have grown fond of Fall despite the pain she brings me. 

I learned that Dunkin Donuts had their pumpkin spice coffees out.. and although this is still most certainly your time, I indulged. That’s right summer, I CHEATED on you with fall. There’s no excuse for what I did. Things were just so crazy with everyone starting school again. I lost my head… 

Once I tasted Fall again.. I couldn’t hold back. So I went back and got another coffee the next day… and the next….Hell, I’m even wearing a sweater right now as I type this.. 

I don’t want to hurt you anymore summer. I loved the time we shared and will always treasure it. I just think it’s for the best if we both just moved on…

Respectfully,

Faith 

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Faithie the Jiu Jitsu Newb….

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Ah! What a horrible pic.. but there it is :P

I did in fact try out a BJJ class! 

I think having a really good partner your first class is crucial. The martial arts really requires you to have to interact with another person. If partners aren’t willing to invest some time into teaching the basics to a newb then the whole experience can be ruined..

I’m glad that my experience was enhanced by my partner. My partner was someone that has impressed me immensely in Thai and Krav so I knew I was in good hands. She was patient took the time to explain things to me. She also wasn’t gentle.. a lot of girls in thai are … well girly which is why I like partnering with guys… I have to admit I was pretty girly to her though.  

The Shihan took a video.. You can totally tell I’m new to this type of style.. 

So why not then be called out by the Shihan to randori?

Randori, for those not in a know.. is exactly how I described BJJ in my previous post.. In the last few minutes the guys are so sweaty and gross.. so let’s wrestle! I guess I was lucky I got the Shihan because some of the men were so nasty they were leaving sweat angels on the mats.. EWWW

Like I said, the Shihan is a great instructor and it was quite the experience having him as my very first randori partner. He gave me two goals – to get to either a mount position (where I’m on top) or if I’m on the bottom to be able to wrap my legs around his torso.. Sounds easy right? 

I had absorbed some things watching the kids in their class ;) But it felt mostly like I was a wriggling fool. Ducking elbows and legs.. Not really sure how I ended up where I was lol. I could tell he was letting me lead and was just reacting to what I did.. I kept trying to mount but his damn leg was always one step ahead! That was actually super frustrating damnit!  

My friend J calls BJJ “The thinking man’s martial art” but I think it’s more related to Chess. 

My Kyoshi is eager to make me a BJJ card. My only concern is that it’s so late at night. It’s the last class of the night, and I’m usually getting the kids to bed when it ends. which is honestly probably why it’s more of a man’s sport at our dojo.. not to stereotype or anything.. but of course the hubsands are more free to be at the dojo later when there are kids involved.. it’s usually the momma putting the kids to sleep

We’ll see… I did love it and want to keep at it.. but it’s not on the top of my priority list right now.