The D-Word

My husband is out to sea (shocker right?… it is after all what his job is)… 

We had some issues with family peeps violating OPSEC (my hands are clean… that’s all I’m saying) Someone mentioned the length of how long hubby was going to be gone on facebook and that it was a deployment… 

AGH! Thanks to my working nights and being glued to facebook I caught it and had the person take it down in less than 10 minutes (yes I know… nothing on facebook is ever really gone) 

But you know what REALLY bugged me about it?

The fact the person labeled it as a deployment…..

I am fully aware it is a weird thing to get all bent of out shape about.. but I spent less time explaining how the length of time was not to be disclosed and more time of how it’s not a deployment….

Then my husband’s sister called it a deployment too a few days later… 

Inwardly I wanted to cry. PLEASE DO NOT CALL IT A DEPLOYMENT! 

It caused me to wonder just why is calling it deployment instead of an underway? As the wife, other than a time difference, my role largely stays the same. The only thing I could think of is that deployments sound scary. <~ Which means I am little more than a coward! 

I usually have a deployment flash back period every May. My husband’s first deployments always began in May and I cry about the ordeal my family was put through. (which really…wasn’t that much of an ordeal… but if you haven’t noticed by now that I can be very dramatic sometimes: you’ve been made aware now) I think of missed moments and having to overcome issues on my own and it takes me a few days to rememeber that I’m a bad ass woman who can get through ANYTHING. 

The very idea of my husband being on a deployment causes me to panic. I had a minor panic attack while driving to work thinking of the sub today. Thinking about how subs go down.. but what if something happens and they just sink and don’t come back up?! What if they are never found and they all just die on the bottom of the ocean on either lack of air or starvation. I started thinking of every single poor smuck on that damn sub and how all of them have families like my own.. Then I think of my husband’s good friend on a different sub and if something happened to ANY of the subs in our area it would effect us. 

Ok Faithie take a chill pill…….

I have become one of the model submariner wives.. The cool woman who is as salty as her husband and just rolls with the punches with grace. I am strong and independant have no outwardly signs of weakness. I don’t lament about missing my husband and I don’t put it out there that I can’t sleep without him at home. Being this role model for especially the younger set of women, I’m highly aware that I play a small part in them getting through the day. (haha ok Faithie.. you’re not that important) So I have to stay strong…

But even the strongest of them have moments when they feel they’re going to falter…………

So yeah… please no more forcing my husband to deploy faster than he needs to.. Let’s all pretend that underways are happy vacations for the men and that they are safe and sound and out of harms way… Thanks in advance for never uttering the D-Word again. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Till Death….

You sure lost in the parent lottery, but glad you are making the best of it. Just keep on pushing forward. I know you will. ~ My Aunt Debbie in a conversation to me today. 

I don’t discuss my childhood often. Mostly beause I have this mentality that it wasn’t really that bad. There’s loads of people who probably had it way worse and I hold onto that like a lifeline when people start talking about when they were a kid. Sometimes, when I’m stupid and decide to go down memory lane………..

I wonder how I turned out being ok…..Seriously.. how did I turn into a fuctional human being?  

My parents hate each other. Like throwing knives and stealing money to make the other suffer kind of hate. One thing they’ve made clear, that their only goal relating to each other is to outlive the other. It’s the ONE thing they actually agree on.. When you mention one to the other.. that’s what they say.. Oh I’m gunna outlive him/her if it’s the last thing I do. 

My mother was hospitalized for congestive heart failure and a flare up of her COPD (which she didn’t even know she had because she hasn’t been to a doctor in 13 years). It’s why I’ve been working so much at the hotel.. because if I don’t work her shifts they’ll hire someone else to do it and she won’t have a job to go back to if she can. Now she’s strapped on oxygen and on top of working I have to take care of her like she’s another child. 

Then on Friday I received a call from my Aunt Debbie about my father. Apparently he has prostate cancer that was diagnosed months ago. But he not only didn’t tell anyone, but he has refused any kind of medical treatment. He is almost literally on his death bed… 

And rather than digest the information about my father dying… I laugh… I seriously laugh that they are at the point of racing each other to death…….. 

 

The Return of the Lilies

 

 

 

When life is testing you, and pushing you to your limits… remember:Image

 

My garden has been seriously neglected this year. It probably wasn’t HGTV worthy.. but it was my garden and it was my communion with nature and all that.

Now I’m working 6 nights a week and what time I have during the day is taking care of the house, my mother and children and whatever obligations I’ve signed myself up for… It’s been exhausting.

I seriously want to break and just throw in the towel….

But what keeps me going…still is my garden.

It’s like the Charley Brown Christmas tree of gardens right now, mostly dried up dirt.

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Yet look at my lilies! Last year I broke up the insane amount of bunches that they had huddled in and ended up with almost twice as many more this year. In all I ended up having 112 bulbs that in the past week bloomed. The timing couldn’t have been more needed.

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This was a reminder to myself that no matter how bleak situations feel, beauty will always triumph if you allow it. I may want to break down and give up.. but the beauty of my character will keep me strong if I continue to focus on the positive.

 

I snipped some and have them in the window so they can be a reminder to my strength. Soon I will need to battle the epic dish pile waiting to be hand washed since our dishwasher decided to break. (See this month is cursed!)

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These lilies never last long, so I’m trying to make the best of enjoying them while I can!

 

1000 baby!

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Today is a day to celebrate!

Woah! It took a little over a year, but NinjasInStitches has 1000 followers! That is super impressive in my book! I am elated!!!!!!!

Thank you all for your loyal support of me rambling like a madwoman!

~

In other news, I am ready for June to be over. It will forever now be named the cursed month of family DOOM.

First, my son developed a rash on his face that no one is quite sure where it came from. He was put on steroids which made him as moody as a teenager. <~ But I was out of town for the initial part of that fun!

We had a bonfire night at my house, where my husband had to save one of my friends from falling into the fire…. only he ended up stepping in it and getting 2nd degree burns. He was in pain, life sucked for awhile but he got of work for a week and half so he chalks it up as a you give a little to get a little.

My mom has been shirking going to the doctor for weeks now.. I’m pretty sure my Aunt Debbie threatened to fly down and drag her by the ear if she didn’t go on her own. She’s been in the hospital for 7 days and just got released.

As a result I’ve been working night shift after night shift after night shift as there’s no one available to work them.. But it’s kind of a you give some to get some deal of my own. I was able to sit and stitch for the first time in 2 months and have absolute peace and quiet.

Picture from DailyHit.com

Oh Drop Dead Diva.. you have been my therapy as I go through this horrid week. It’s the one thing I look forward when I come and get tons of overtime and lack of sleep.

 

Rewind…..

August 22nd 2013 I had left the hotel to pursue a college career.

This week  I officially rejoined the hotel work force.

Maaaan… You can’t get away from this place for too long. I used to kid about that. How my Uncle would never let me leave.. I worry sometimes the truth to that statement. I’ve been here here twelve years. TWELVE YEARS! Longer than I’ve been out of high school, I’ve been associated with this place. I dunno how long I plan on staying, as there was some contention between my mom and uncle (and therefore myself) about if I would get days or nights. I decided to work nights for now because during the summer I can spend the days with my kids. Then when summer ends I’ll either go to days or just bounce… Keep my options open and whatnot ;)

One thing: people haven’t changed!

“I know I shouldn’t ask this since you work there and all, but is your hotel clean?” I’m in sales dude.. what do you think I’m really going to say?! My job is to make this place sound better than even your own home! Actually I always tell the truth. Check our reviews online, words from previous guests will always speak louder than what I say because you already assume my opinion is going to be bias… This is also in relation to asking me about crime in our area, pricing due to location, and if I know what the weather is going to be like during your stay six weeks from now…  

I no longer have the ability to play my clueless former clerk entity. I used to play this naive girl who is sweet and sociable, but has no control over anything.. You don’t yell at the sweet girl at the desk who has no control over anything right? <~ Well sweet naive Faithie passed away during my first year of college to be replaced with Hotel Faithie 2.0. According to our night auditor I now use big fancy words that confuse our guests. (one day I hope to sound as educated as the graduate girls from the conference I went too) My mom laughed when a guy asked for a razor and I gave him a white one that had a yellow tip. He started to hand it back and asked for one for a woman. I apparently gave him an “are you stupid?” look and informed him that it was a gender neutral razor. He paused for a second, unsure of what I was saying so I had to inform him that it meant that both males and females can use the razor….I’m not even gunna add a snarky comment here…

So to sum up my summer work plans:

Non Traditional Students and Worlds Colliding.

I found the word that described my college experience while away at the conference last weekend (which was awesome) I am a non traditional college student! What what means? I dunno exactly, but it’s certainly how I felt this weekend. For one, I am old. Not OLD OLD, but not crazy in my youth either. I’m a mother, who doesn’t get the freedom to just think about me for long periods of time. A lot of the actions I make or opportunities that I can obtain are largely centered around my two minions. I’m content with that notion. After all, it reminds me that my world does not revolve around myself.

Nor should it.

Could you imagine if the world revolved around me? It would be complete chaos! Random flash dance mobs in supermarkets and the right to stamp “unbreedable” on the majority of the population.

 

Anyway, as a result I found myself unable to relate to a lot of the other young women at the conference because let’s face it… They are all doe eyed and dreamy and I’m like “damn you people for not having a readily supply of coffee for me” It was awkward just being from a community college too. Most were from graduate schools and talked straight out of a professor’s coursebook. And the only thing I’m doing is signing “Happy” by Pharell Williams as I walk around the campus. I guess I’m just not a professional type of person. If you have a song in your head sing it!

For the record, I do consider myself a very smart person. I’ve posted my grades. I am pretty awesome!  These young women seriously made me feel like I should have been reading the dictionary on the 7 hour drive down. Partner that with the fact that everyone had a 5 year plan. For instance: Girls: “Oh what are you majoring in?” Me: “Um awesomeness?” Sorry ladies. But I’m a by the semester type gal right now. I have no idea what I’m having for dinner most nights let alone have my entire life planned out for me. I don’t have that Type A needs everything to be wrapped up and organized. I thrive on things being MESSY.

Another factor was that I was married. Have been since most of these ladies were in elementary school. There were a handful of older women at this convention but all the ones I spoke to were divorced. Apparently that made me unable to relate to these women at times either.. Seriously, the second it got mentioned I was married and they were divorced it was like a wall was erected between us. WTF?! I can be firm in my independance and lack of needing a man too. <~ I’ve been doing that as a submariner’s wife from day one! I come with certificates from various captains thanking me for my awesomeness as being such a strong and independant woman…

And I couldn’t even fit in with the other mom’s. There was one workshop called “A Balancing Act:  Supporting Student Parents” I was excited. This workship SCREAMED me. Unfortunately it did not scream to most of the women. (although that’s not surprising). They had four women student speakers talking about the work they did to promote child care ability to those in community colleges. Three of the four women were older and parents ANd at community colleges. <~ Yay! Those at the workshop were mostly younger. They all had children in high school which were now toddlers and whatnot back at home. I wanted to be like “You go girl! You are awesome”…. except I pretty much was ignored. There were two older women who downright looked miserable. Wanted nothing to do with anyone. I will say that person in charge of the workshop was REALLY awesome..

So in all the hats that make uniquely me.. none really fit at all this weekend…..

~

This post was in relations to the Daily Post’s Prompt on World’s Colliding which can be found here